Kid’s Say The Darndest Things…..

I have my friend Tamara to thank for today’s post. File these stories under “Why we love children”

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.” Answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!!” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.” She says “Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs, too.”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says ‘For Heavens Sake Dylan, come in or stay out!”

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, “….and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said ‘The sky is falling!’” The teacher then asked the class. “and what do you think the farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said “I think he said ‘Holy shit, a talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

And finally, I have one of my own stories to add. I wish it wasn’t, but this is a true story.

When my son Blake was about three years old he was getting into playing army and cop’s and robbers with his friend Kenny, and we never discouraged it because we weren’t all that P.C. with regards to raising our kid. However, we did tell him not to use the word “Kill”.

So we we’re at the video rental store looking for a movie, and this women came in with her two boys, about 5 and 6 years-old. These two were maniacs, and they were running around the video store screaming and yelling, and shooting each other with pretend guns. One boy was screaming “I KILLED YOU, I KILLED YOU” at the top of his lungs, and my three year-old calmly walked up to them and yelled “HEY!”. The boys stopped in their tracks and Blake said calmly but very sternly “DO NOT SAY KILL”, to which the older boys, both perplexed, replied “Okay”.

Pleased that the boys had actually listened to him, he continued “And don’t say shit or godammit!”

Oh, the pride!!!